Monday, June 25, 2007

Dumb and Dumber!!!

Have you ever wondered why people ask you some questions, when they know the answers to those questions themselves? I am sure every one of you would have faced these kinds of abashing situations. When you hear such questions, apka dil to karta tha hai ki samne wale ko zor sa ek thappad marke wahan se kalti marlo!!! Par kya kare dosto, yeh sharifo ka (na ki sheriffo ka) duniya hai. Sabh logo ko ‘accha aadmi/aurat’ kehelwane ka shauk jo padi hai!!! Kitna bhi gussa aaye, use 'niyantrit' karna padta hai. Sabse mushkil cheez yeh hoti hai ki, woh besharam aadmi/aurat jo aise stupid sawal poochta hai, woh hamare jaan pehchaan wale hi hote hain. Ek dharam sankat ki istithi paida ho jati hai. You gotta bear with it folks!!!

Par saala abh nahin bardaash hota yaar. Besharmi ki bhi koi had hoti hai. So all you uncle/aunties/dost-log, and all those uninvited baalus (and bhageeras) ... I write post this to express my deepest feelings of anguish and intolerance. May the almighty bestow you with the power to discern the line of demarcation between sanity and insanity!!! Don’t even think of asking me questions which are even remotely close to the following ones.

Scene 1: You are well dressed in your school uniform and rushing towards the school bus, near the bus stop in your colony (arey thoda life ki tape to rewind kar ke imagine karlo yaar). Suddenly an uncle, you are asked to show respect passes by, and asks, "Beta school jare ho?"

What you utter: “Ha uncle, aaj bahut late hogayi…” Uske baad aap phata phat bus main chad jate ho...

What your gut says: "Nahi uncle, film dekhne ja raha hoon. Mere paas do aur ticket hain. Agar aap chahate hain to main aap ko who de sakhta hoon!!! Kya hain ki, school main film par ek report ka assignment diya hain!!!"

Scene 2: You are freaking out with your friends at a theatre, to check out the recent flick. Suddenly you meet your ‘nursery alma-mater’, who asks you the most un-obvious question. "Arey thu bhi... Theatre main kya kar raha hai yaar?"

What you utter: "Yaar tumhe dekh ke bahut kushi hui yaar. Mere dost sabhi movie dekhne aaye to mai bhi unke saath company dene agaya."

What your gut says: "Aaj kal black ticket ka side business shuru kiyela apun ne. Pocket money ki bahut kami hai yaar. Kaho to tujhe bhi yeh naukri dila sakta hu. Apna resume mujhe forward karde F****R!!! Dus ka thees dus ka thees..."

Scene 3: You just finish your lunch/dinner at marriage ceremony of your friend. You sit beside your friend chatting about some chick who threw 'ek-khatilana-muskaan' at you. Tabhi ek aunty aapse pooch thi hain, "Beta kya tumne khana khaya?"

What you utter: "Ha aunty... Thanks for such a delicious treat!!!"

What your gut says: "Nahi aunty… aapko kya lagta hain? Main yahan plate saaf karne ke liye baitan hoon kya?" You flash your hand(s), to prove your point!!! You feel like smearing all the left over food from your friend's plate on to her face. Saala apun kho bhikari samajh thi hain... "Main doosri baar khana nahi mangoonga aunty, chinta math karo!!!"

Scene 4: It’s raining torrentially outside and you rush in to the house fully drenched with rain water, just like john Abraham in the song ‘Phaigaam laya sawan’ in ‘Lakheer’. You are searching for some warm clothes to change. Apke ghar waale apse pooch te hain, “Kya beta tum baarish main bheeg ke aarahe ho?” (Just like bollywood film main biwi questions her husband, “Aaj sharab peeke aaye ho kya?”)

What you utter: Bahar bahut baarish thi aur mere paas koi chatri bhi nahi thi. Isliye bheegna pada!!!

What your gut says: “Kya baat karte hain? Apne colony ke paas jo jheel hain, usme swimming karke bahut din hogaya the. Socha ek bar dive marke aau. Pata hain, maine swimming abhi boola nahi hoon. Dehke te raho main bhi ek din Ian Thorpe ki tarah Olympics main gold medal jeet ke laaonga!!!”

Scene 5: You are busy shopping at a shopping complex, when a friend of yours comes over to you and asks the most obvious question, "Kya yaar… Shopping ke liye ayete kya?"

What you utter: "Ha yaar.. kuch shopping-whopping karne nikla tha..." (With a smirk)

What your gut says: "Nahi yaar... Kya mazak karta hai kya. Raat to ko is shopping maal main dhaka dalne ka plan hai. Isliye ek baar security loop holes dekhne aya tha. Kisiko bolna math ha.. Saala main tereko shakal se badmash lakta hu kya?"

Scene 6: You are tired to the core after an exhaustive morning jog (in a track suit) and you are almost drenched with sweat (mehnat ki nishani).Tabhi ek uncle you know who passes by asks you, "Kya beta jogging karne ayata kya?"

What you utter: "Ha uncle, doctor ne bola hain ki jogging sehat ke liye acchi hain... to isliye maine bhi jogging chalu kiya.."

What your gut says: "Saale tumhe kya lagta hain? Subha subha maine koi ladki ko cheda, aura police mere peeche padi hain? Main kya pagal hu jo is tarah daud rahan hu?"

This is gotta be the dumbest question I have ever heard people ask.

Scene 7: Usually a dead body is taken in procession to the cremation place. Some follow the tradition of burning crackers in front of the procession. It’s all a part of their custom and ritual. Then someone on the way asks one of the followers in the procession, "Kya koi margaya hain kya?"

What you utter: "Kya kahe. Bahut accha aadmi tha. Humne socha nahi tha ki woh itna jaldi hum subko chod ke chala jayega..."

What your gut says: "Haram khor... Andhe ho kya? Dhikayi nahi deta kya? Tumhe kya lagta hain, yahan par koi film ki shooting chaalu hai?"

PS: I wouldn't blame anyone for asking such dumb questions. I'm sure you would have been at both ends on numerous occasions. It’s just that people try to be nice with you when you ask such questions and don't slash back!!! Par age se jabbi aap logo main se koi bhi aisi situation main ho, to please aise stupid questions math poocho? If you got some more questions like these, feel free to share with all of us. I would love to hear from you people.

~IT's My Life

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